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[11 Jul 2005|09:00am] |
PEJOTA
PEJOTA
PEJOTA
as usual, moving causes me to create a new livejournal. it's what i've done for years and will probably always do. so if you care enough, add that journal. if you're just afraid i'll be offended that you don't care enough... don't add it. obviously, refrain from adding my journal if i want nothing to do with you for the rest of my life. funny that i actually have to ask that of some people. thank you.
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| the story of our lives. |
[07 Jul 2005|02:55am] |
and all that's left of love inside me
circles far above my head.
and all that's left of love inside me
crashes down among my feet.
i'm here for half a moment.
i stretch and
i open my eyes.
i begin to understand
the trees, the sunset,
the sound of skin.
i form the words within my mind,
i realize i am free,
i open my mouth.
and all that's left of my love, life, and fire
burns up the rest of me.
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| exactly where you left them. |
[06 Jul 2005|03:57pm] |
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mood |
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one day i'll have real talent. |
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i've become so tired of
climbing inside my own mind,
catching glimpses of a frame.
they flash by and add up,
piece by piece,
of an weathered photo,
of an old picture,
of a young man.
and it's pinned, still,
to the right,
beside my reasoning,
inside my head.
a moment passes and
i stand within my chest,
sneaking glances of a painting.
the reality settles in,
color by color,
of the countdown,
of the moments left,
until there are none.
and it hangs there, still,
to the left,
beside my compassion,
within my heart of a house.
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| 100 knives |
[03 Jul 2005|04:29pm] |
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i hate feeling like this. i told myself that i wasn't going to let this happen again. well, look at what has happened. damn PJ, you're a fucking genius or something. it's hopeless.
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[03 Jul 2005|10:29am] |
they lack anything but tranfer courses in library information technology, so i guess i'm enrolling at Cabrillo as an english major. i found a cute little "Progressive Baptist Church" while walking around there last week. hopefully i can get involved with them so it's easier to transfer to Seminary of the West after school is finished.
i'm tired, cold, and my legs are all locked up. maybe i'll take some ibuprofen and/or a shower. it's so beautiful outside that i'm considering a bike ride downtown to get some chai. maybe i'll go to morro bay or something.
i'm a strange person. it's hard to get to know me. i'm hard to get out of the house. it's hard to get me to call you. but that's not your fault, it's mine. once i've been forced to talk to you or look you in the eye more than a dozen times i'll finally start opening up and you'll probably begin to know me very well. true story.
"Overcoming poverty is not a gesture
of charity, it is an act of justice.
It is a protection of a fundamental human right."
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[01 Jul 2005|07:42pm] |
i wish the humble-ness train would run me over a few times.
funny how people will write all over their internet profiles that they could never go low enough to conform to any religion or set spiritual beliefs. yet judging from what they write, the music they listen to, and the clothes they wear they've already conformed in a million other ways. how original!
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[25 Jun 2005|03:03am] |
so this friend of mine fell over and had a seizure right in front of me a couple hours ago and we still don't really know what that was about.
i guess i'm just sitting here, next to a beer and listening to mewithoutYou. by the way, they were pretty amazing in Berkeley. maybe i should go kiss my sisters on the cheek and go to sleep in Natalie's bed tonight.... i'm pretty exhausted from watching her and Jess dance around to some oldschool seventh grade jams.
if you can't tell, i can barely think straight right now. everyone spare me your pity or advice because i'm not even drunk. everyone else... congratulations for focusing on your own issues before you tell other people what to do with their lives. you can only change the world once you have let it change you. become wise, let years turn into moments, and learn. the end.
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[23 Jun 2005|08:11am] |
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i just want you to know that your life, however crazy it has been... is not a lifetime movie. and life is too short to spend the first 18 years of it worrying over things you can't control. it seems as though i've learned this lesson a little bit too late...
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[21 Jun 2005|11:27am] |
i'm at the nicest house i've ever seen. i've been going back and forth between san francisco and ross for the past few days... chase took me to japantown and an asian mall. we bought pocky and creamy melon soda... it was pretty much the best day of my life. we stay with ben, lili, ev, or alex and eat at dennys a lot. i just took the best shower of my life and then proceded to light my hair on fire. the end.
oh, i miss everyone a lot... especially Jess. best sister ever... she even calls me to talk and tell me what she's doing and see if i'm okay. that's love.
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[16 Jun 2005|01:24am] |
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jess, i miss you so much too. but no worries, because i finally graduated and everything and now i'm going to see you every day like a good sister should. hey, everyone, life is alright... i'm enrolled at Santa Monica, my skin is clear, i have a cute kitten, my room is a little more clean, and Chase is taking me to see mewithoutYou in Berkeley.
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| jess, i love you. i'll kill whoever, just point them out. |
[14 Jun 2005|11:42pm] |
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next month i'm so gone. away from all of you assholes that apparently can't take the time to look around and realize you're just like all of the people that you claim to hate so much, you waste just as much time as them talking about eachother and trying to figure eachother out, you spend just as much time as they do on their looks as you do trying to look "different", and your music taste ultimately means nothing. thanks.
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[13 Jun 2005|09:43pm] |
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you probably don't believe me when i tell you i really couldn't care any less what anyone thinks of me, but it's true. if there is anything i've learned through dealing with an openly psychotic family, shitty friends, moving 10 times in the past 6 years, going to a lot of different schools, and dating an amazing boy named Chase (while getting shit for it for about a year from my shitty "friends")... it's that i don't give a fuck what anyone thinks anymore. just thought i'd clear that up.
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[13 Jun 2005|05:22pm] |
"Im done with the drama. Like I said, if you have a problem with me, talk to me in person. Otherwise, shut the fuck up."
last time i checked you were the one writing hateful messages to me, not the other way around. you're the least of my worries right now, and i never had a problem with you until you just started writing completely awkward hate messages to me in your livejournal, calling me "gay", and attempting to annoy me with "PS: scenesters suck.". i mean, honestly, is that supposed to offend me? Chase and i still can't figure that one out.
i'm over trying to put you at ease. if you want to torture yourself with whatever little delusions you've created about me, then go for it. you've never even met me, yet you think you know me so well. it's just sad that you claim to be so "Adult", when you're the one that resorts to name calling and cussing in your arguments (which, by the way, arent valid arguments to begin with).
if Emily isn't going to defend herself and just make someone else do all of the talking, she should have someone a little more articulate do it. more than anything, i feel sorry for you... for being friends with Emily, having such a problem with someone you've only seen around, and having such hate in your heart... it must be a heavy burden to carry around with yourself every day.
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[12 Jun 2005|01:36pm] |
i think i'm obsessed with this photo.
Natalie, Jess, and Becca... i love you. thank you for being amazing sisters to me even though we're not biologically related, thank you for making your home my home, and hugging me, and making me feel like i have a family for the first time in a long time. thanks for letting me take showers whenever i want and telling me you love me. your mother has always been so nice to me too, and i appreciate her just as much. ...yeah, i just felt like i had to write all of that.
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[09 Jun 2005|09:23pm] |
my life is amazing, and i love sulking in it, thanks. "PS: scenesters suck."? was that supposed to offend me, or Chase? people can really prove just how unintelligent they are on the internet, i guess. i was with Chase when he ran into you in Linnea's and i smiled at you. being rude to someone who doesn't have a problem with you is completely immature and saying the word gay in the wrong context is just dumb. grow up and act like the adult you pretend you are.
other than that, Chase keeps me sane. he's playing guitar and i'm procrastinating. things are fine except for the fact that Ben is leaving tommorow. a few pages of math and i'm done with "the system".
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[09 Jun 2005|08:04am] |
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music |
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i've been searching for a heart of gold... |
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i'm more amazed by the world, God, and the people he has sent to me... every day.
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